We've lost the battle . . . but maybe we can salvage the war

About a month ago, I came close to getting arrested in an airport bathroom.

No, I wasn’t playing footsies in a toilet stall like Senator Larry Craig (and don’t you just get a warm and fuzzy feeling all over when a Republican, Family Values, Social Conservative Asshole gets caught doing gay stuff?)

No, I was almost arrested because I came very close to losing it while standing at a urinal, and attacking the man next to me. Here’s the horrible story:

To be honest, I’ve been traveling so much I don’t even remember what city I was in when I almost went to jail. I know it was somewhere out west, I know I’d had some drinks, my flight was about to take off, and I went to use the facilities before I boarded.

So there I am, standing at the urinal, doing my thing, when a guy comes up next to me, unzips . . . and starts talking to me.

“Hey, how’s it going?” he said.

Now as every guy knows, talking to the guy next to you at the urinal goes against every Guy Rule in the Book.

The bottom line: You don’t talk to the person next to you at a urinal unless you are having a stroke or a heart attack. And even then, you should think twice. I mean, it better be a fairly serious stroke, and/or a near-fatal heart attack, if you’re going to interrupt another man’s stream.

But of course, after a couple of seconds, I realized he wasn’t talking to me. He had a Bluetooth dildo screwed into the other side of his head, where I couldn’t see it, and he was talking to someone else.

In fact, he was talking to his wife.

Now, this has happened to me before. And it’s happening more frequently. You would think I would just get used to it. But this time, for whatever reason, I almost went ape shit on the guy.

I must have hit some kind of tipping point. I don’t know why. Maybe it was all the travel. Maybe it was the fact that he was talking to his stupid WIFE, about their stupid KID.

I mean, if the guy was a stock trader or a bond guy or one of those Wall Street types who can make or lose 8 million dollars in three minutes, maybe you can justify talking while you take a leak. If waiting three minutes to take a call is going to cost you $3 million dollars, then sure, talk while you piss.

But that wasn’t the case here. This guy was talking to his wife about mundane shit like what the baby ate for lunch, and what the nanny did with the baby that day, and what they were going to do on Saturday with the baby.

Stuff that, I assume, could have waited until he was out of the bathroom.

For whatever reason, this joker absolutely drove me over the edge. 

In fact, within the span of about six seconds, three different ways of attacking him flashed through my mind.  

First, I thought about calling him out. I was there when his conversation started (It started with him saying, “How’s it going?” which is why I thought he was talking to me) . . . so I know he didn’t tell his stupid wife he that he was pissing while he was talking to her.

So I thought maybe I should call attention to that fact, so his wife would know what kind of asshole she married.

“He’s pissing!” I wanted to shout. “He’s got his dildo in his ear and his dick in his hand while he talks about your baby!!!!! We’re all of us in here here pissing away while he talks about your little bundle of joy in front of all of us pissers!!!!

The second scenario that flashed through my mind was to mock him by having a “Bluetooth” conversation of my own. Now, I don’t have a Bluetooth, but I figured if I pulled out my USB memory stick from my briefcase and jammed it into my ear, I could fake it. Then I could have my own conversation, very loudly:

“Yeah, the guy next to me is pissing and talking so I thought I’d try pissing and talking. Holy shit, this is awesome, I’m pissing and talking. What are you doing? Yeah, I’ve got both hands on my wanger and I can still talk, just like this guy next to me who is talking to his wife. We’re both so awesome and important that we need to talk while we urinate.”

The third thing that flashed through my mind is the one that I almost did. I swear to God. One more glass of wine, and I might have done it.

I was going to piss on his feet. On “accident,” of course. Just a classic case of an inattentive pisser letting his stream go awry. Happens all the time.

And it wouldn’t just be a quick shot. I would look the other way, and let the stream go. It would force him to call my attention to what was happening.

“Hey!” he’d be forced to say, both to me and to his wife,  “You’re pissing all over my shoes!”

And how do you think that would go over with the little lady on the other end? And just in case he didn’t say that loudly enough, I was ready to chime in on my own: “Jesus, I pissed on your foot. I can’t believe I pissed on your foot!!! I’m really sorry that I pissed on your foot while you were on the phone with your wife!!!”

Just as I realized that I probably wasn’t drunk enough to piss on another man on purpose, another guy came in, talking on his Bluetooth . . . and he went into a stall. And sat down. And kept talking. Another guy came in and went to another urinal. And called someone.

I realized then and there that the battle is over. The Bluetoothers have won. Normal people have lost.

I bow to you, Bluetoothers everywhere. I concede the world to you and your little flashing ear dildos.

But, in defeat, can we at least get some concessions from you? Can we at least try to establish a few basic, common-sense rules?

Let’s call them the Ten Commandments of Bluetoothing. I would hope that every Bluetoother out there would have the decency to sign off on these simple rules: 

1. Don’t wear the Bluetooth while you’re having your picture taken. I’ve seen conference brochure pictures where the speakers are wearing Blueteeth. They look like big hearing aids. Can Bluetoothers agree to at least take the dildo out for the 15 seconds it takes to take a photo? If President Obama or Bruce Springsteen calls, you’ll still hear your phone ring, and can interrupt the shoot to take his call.

2. You can wear the Bluetooth while you go to the bathroom, because it makes you look so important, but you can’t use it. Unless you have dysentery or the swine flu and you’re spending most of the day in the bathroom, there’s no reason you can’t wait until you’re finished to field that important call from a telemarketer.
 

3. No using the Bluetooth while you’re have having sex. Period. End of story. And you can't tell me that there aren't jagoffs out there who leave the 'tooth in while screwing. You know those people exist.
 

4. On a similar note, no Bluetoothing when you’re masturbating—unless you’re having phone sex . . . which, come to think of it, might be the only time it makes sense to use one of those things.
 

5.  No talking on the Bluetooth during meals. Meals should be sacred. Enjoy your food. Enjoy your wine. Talk to the people you are table with. The conversation with your buddy about fantasy football can wait.
 

6. Don’t answer a Bluetooth call when you’re with just one other person, thereby forcing that person to sit there and wait until you’re finished. It’s the face to face version of call waiting. I’m talking to you, but hold on, someone more interesting might be coming in via the Bluetooth. It's bad enough sitting there when someone takes a regular call. When they answer the dildo in their ear, it's really awful.
 

7. No Bluetoothing whie you’re waiting in line. Any line. The airport security line. The line at the grocery store. The line at Blockbusters. When you’re in line, you should be getting ready to do whatever you're going to need to do when you get to the end of the line: pay for your groceries, go through security, etc. If you’re busy talking, you can’t prepare for when it’s your turn, and you hold up the entire line.
 

8. Don’t Bluetooth at a networking party. It’s hard enough to find someone to talk to at those things . . . it’s unnerving to see half the people talking to themselves.
 

9. No Bluetooths when you’re having sex. This one bears repeating. Take the dildo out of your ear when you’re having sex. If you want to put it somewhere else, that’s your business. But take it out of your ear.

10. No Bluetoothin in a place where it’s so noisy you can’t hear that well .  .  . a blues bar, a tavern, a rock concert. If it’s too noisy to hear the person next to you, it’s too noisy to talk on the phone anyway. Take the phone out of your ear and put it away and do what the rest of us do: check it every couple of minutes for fresh tweets, facebook updates, and voice mail.

Comments

[Kristen]

I love your commandments, Steve. But you do realize, that the only people out there who are ACTUALLY going to adhere to them are you, me and David Murray, right???

The war is lost on this, and although I go out of my way to make loud comments drawing attention when I see people being rude idiots with their ear dildos or crackberries - why just yesterday, I called out the stupid woman who stopped RIGHT AT THE TOP of an escalator because she apparently can't walk and text at the same time - there are just too many of them, and too few of us to do a damn thing about it.

P.S. Anyone who CONTINUES having sex with someone wearing an ear dildo WHILE having sex deserves what they get and will receive no sympathy from me. Especially because someone who wears an ear dildo during sex . . . teeny . . . compensating . . . I'm just sayin'.

[Steve Crescenzo]

I'm not even sure about David anymore.

And you're right . . . I yell about the Bluetoothers, but it's the chronic texters, who are texting while they are in the security line at the airport, then they get up to the first checkpoint, and ONLY THEN do they start digging out their ID and boarding pass.

So many assholes in the world . . . and now they are being given the tools to show just what kind of asshole they are.

Steve C.

[Kurt Kragh Sørensen]

I agree and love you Steve.

I hate them too.

Glad you didn't get arrested.

[Robert J Holland, ABC]

But if you had gotten arrested, it would have been so worth it. I can think of only three good reasons for getting arrested: 1) Standing up for civil rights. 2) Defending your family. 3) Pissing on a Bluetoother's foot.

These people -- all of 'em, the Bluetoothers, the texters, all of 'em -- just irritate the living crap out of me. I once stopped dating a woman because she couldn't stop taking cell phone calls during our dates. Bluetooths weren't around then. I have no doubt she has one now. But she's somebody else's problem.

[Steve Crescenzo]

Kurt:

Well, I wasn't arrested THIS time. But it's only a matter of time. I'll kill one of these sons of bitches one day.

Steve C.

[Steve Crescenzo]

Robert:

I like your list of legitimate reasons to get arrested. I would only add:

4. Strangling an IT professional and watching the light go out of his eyes as he croaks, "I'll put it on the list, I'll put it on the list."

5. Lighting Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil on fire.

Those seem to me to be up there with defending your civil rights and your family. Because if you kill Oprah Winfrey and Phil, your family will be protected from their bullshit.

Steve C.

[Amy]

Kristin, I beg your pardon, but you may count on ME not to bluetooth while in the loo. Was I the ettiquette chair of Alpha Chi or NOT? We ladies take our loo time seriously -- no phones, please. ICKS. That is just SO TACKY.

You should have peed on his shoes, Steve. It was only fair and fitting. And not just a drip or dribble. I'm talking STREAMS. RIVERS. NIAGRA FALLS, BABY!! HE'S SOAKING IN IT!!

I will send your commandments to my sorors lest they've forgotten their good sense and good manners. Oh, the SHAME of it.

And please DO NOT jam a thumbdrive in your ear. I know no rule of ettiquette that forbids it, but ruptured eardrums are painful.

[Eileen Burmeister]

Amy - please tell me there is no such thing as an "ettiquette chair"? That's too ripe for ridicule.

[David Murray]

My sister Susan lives in a nice subdivision in Boulder, Colo., and she reports that several of the many dozens of trick-or-treaters who showed up were talking on their cell phones as they held out their bag for candy. (Yes, she demanded they get off the phone and say the words, "Trick or treat.")

[Eric Eggertson]

These Commandments should be cross-referenced with Male Restroom Etiquette: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw

[Joan H.]

I have fun through passive-aggressive retaliation. Just the other day, after a guy chatted throughout a transaction at a checkout counter, I waited until he had moved on and said to the two clerks, "You know that guy with his Bluetooth thingie? I have a friend who calls those ear dildoes." Their giggles at his expense (and at your wit) were a teensy revenge. I love sharing from the Book of Steve.

But if I had the equipment, pissing on a guy's foot would be even more fun.

[Rob Patey]

Steve,
Take consolation in the fact that they will all probably have brain tumors in thrity years.

[Amy]

Ridicule away, E. Here's some fuel: I was delighted to serve in that capacity.

Of course, they wouldn't have me now...I just urged someone to go urinate on someone else.

How the mannerly have fallen.

[Steve Crescenzo]

Rob: That does make me feel a little better . . . of course, I'll be dead by then, but still.

And Amy, you are welcome to serve as the new Etiquette Chair at Crescenzo Communications.

Ella, the director of IT, was filling that role, but she kept licking her crotch during meetings, so we had to put her back in IT, where that kind of behavior is not only accepted but encouraged.

Steve C.

[Will Daniel]

Steve,

I think I have a better story, and I swear I'm not making any of this up. I was trying to conduct a college freshman English class when one of my students walked in 20 minutes late. She only came in so she could hand in a paper that was due. She walked right up to my desk in the middle of my lecture and handed me the paper. Then she started mumbling something. I didn't understand her, and when I said, "Huh?" she replied that she wasn't talking to me. "Huh?" Who the hell was she talking to. "I'm talking to my boyfriend on the phone, he's waiting for me. Gotta go."

She goes down in my book as the rudest person I ever encountered, fully aided and abetted by that damn ear dildo.

Will

[Steve Crescenzo]

Will:

I hope that paper got the grade it deserved . . . no matter how good it was. Here's the thing: The ear dildos are bad enough with people of a certain age, who grew up knowing the general rules of polite society.

You give these young mouth breathers the same tools and we're going to become a nation of rude people like that girl.

I weep for the future.

Steve C.

[Barbie Hines]

Another commandment to be considered:

When you are using your stupid Bluetooth around others, do not make eye contact with them. Drives me crazy!!! I'm so sick of having to ask people who are speaking and looking directly at me, "Are you speaking to me?" Eye contact must ALWAYS be avoided while using the dildo...

[Steve Crescenzo]

Amen, Barbie!

I hate the "Bluetooth Blowoff," which is when someone is talking to you, and looking directly at you, and when you go to respond, they shake their finger at you and point to their dildo.

At that point, I think it is completely reasonable to smash it into their ear and shatter their eardrum.

Steve C.

[Amy]

As your ettiquette chair, Steve, I am sending you a lovely linen hanky in which to weep...

[Aidan]

Oh this is a subject near and dear to my heart. And ass, apparently. In my building, women frequently use their cell phones (ear dildo or otherwise) while in the restroom stalls. We have a cavernous bathroom with many stalls. One tinkler sounds like 5. So when I hear someone chattering away on the pot, I select a consecutive stall and proceed to try to make as much noise as I can. Flatulence gets extra points, of course. While this seems incredibly gross on my part, it is completely worth it and hilarious to hear a person admit: Oh, wait a minute, I can't hear you over that. I'm IN THE BATHROOM."

[Steve Crescenzo]

Aidan . . . I just fell in love with you a little bit. Would that we could get all that on video . . . or maybe audio, rather. At least capture it, somehow.

It's something for The Office, isn't it?

And I do the same thing. If I'm in the bathroom at the airport, sitting down, and someone next to me or around me is on the phone, I will flush the toilet 27 times in a row, one right after the other.

I'll groan and grunt and say things like, "God DAMNIT THAT HURTS!!!"

If all of us band together and do these gross things, the dildoheads will stop taking their conversations into the toilet.

Steve C.

[Jan Williams]

Wow, Steve - one of my coworkers recently attended one your seminars and reported back to our department all that she learned. I was impressed by your ideas and will try to implement some of them in my communications.

I wanted to learn more so I logged on to your blog. I must say, I was surprised at your vocabulary. I've always believed that "salty" language was a crutch for those with limited communication skills. I certainly appreciate good colloquial writing, but in a professional environment I feel the subject matter and vocabulary was unbefitting a communications expert.

[Steve Crescenzo]

Jan:

While I am sorry that you're offended, I've never bought the argument that bad language is a crutch for those with limited communication skills.

I use salty language when I speak, and I tend to write like I speak, so there you have it.

I do so much "corporate" writing for clients, where you do have to be professional, that I view this blog as "my time," and I write the way I feel like writing.

I realize the style is not for everyone. I'm sure this blog has cost me more clients than it has ever brought me . . . but I guess I'm just not very good at separating the "personal" me from the "professional" me.

As for it being a crutch, I'll challenge any writer on that. We'll both take a topic, I'll write it my way, they can write it their way, and we'll see which is better.

The other one may very well be better, but it won't be because I used some naughty words and the other one didn't.

Thanks for commenting, and I do hope you are able to use some of the ideas from the seminars.

Steve C.

[Amy]

Jan, you may want to consider that authenticity is a key principle to communication in the age of social media. I'm not saying that corporations should start embracing the f-word. Only that Steve is showing, by example, the power that being authentic can have when communicating to a mass audience. Steve, I applaud your willingness to embrace something the rest of us struggle with -- being real to readers when we have executives who want us to sway, spin, and in the worst cases, deny the truth. Please keep doing exactly what you're doing.